Lifes a bitch when your a bastard.

"I don't believe in none of that shit your facts are backwards"
- NaS

That right there pretty much had summed up my thoughts on peoples "feelings" in general until early 2006 when I started to realize that feelings, emotions, and psychology is real. People behave a certain way almost not out of choice many times but out of instinct, from emotions to there environment, it affects them.

My whole life growing up I knew one thing, and this one thing was constant thru all confusion an change. What I knew was that I didn't know my Father.
I had, and still have no idea who he is. For me, lying was always easy.
As a child the lie was that my stepdad was my real dad, when he left it was that my parents were divorced. In middle school I changed it an said I had known my Father an he was a great Dad, but he died. Than I would say he was in the pin, etc, so on an so forth.
I flip flopped between lies throughout the years because I didn't know the truth an honestly I was frightened an scared to know the truth. I held on to the hope that one day I would meet my Father an he would love me an I would love him, an when I was angry I would just say he was dead.

But you can't escape the truth, and everyone one day must indeed come clean. I have done so an accepted the facts. I don't know who my Father is. My Big Brother doesn't know who my Father is. My Mother does not know who my Father is. No one knows who my Father is. I have no Father, I am a bastard...

As hard as it may seem to accept the fact that one is a bastard, I actually embrace it. It is incredibly liberating for me. When I am around my friends who also do not know there Fathers, I feel like one of them. I call them bastards an they call me a bastard.
Its almost like a Black kid using the N-Word. The one thing that has caused me so much pain makes me so proud.
This may sound twisted an sick, but I am proud I am a bastard. I accept it an I love it, and I got love for my closes homeboys. My bastards. If you are not a bastard I will still accept you, but I will never be able to connect with you the way I can with my fellow Bastards. You have something we will never have an we have experienced something you will never experience.

Recently I tried to contact my Stepdad. For so long I felt as if I was the one who ruined our relationship. However, weeks later with no phone calls or E-Mails I know that it is indeed his fault. My Mom tried to reach him an he blocked our phone. However, when I called from a random phone pretending to be a regular caller, he picked up... That is when I hung up.

I would rather be a bastard than a bastard with a crappy stepdad who hates me that I hate. Thats why to me.... He is gone. I do not know him. I am soon going to get my last name changed back to my Mothers Maiden name which was my last name at birth. I don't want this man to be at my wedding when I marry the Women I love. He doesn't deserve to know her or my children, and my Wife will need to know one thing, that I am a bastard.

Alot of people wonder if they will marry someone of the same race or religion. That doesn't ever cross my mind. However, on my mind constantly is will I marry a Girl with no Father, just like me? I connect with people of all races an creeds fine, but occaisionally in my heart I a deep deep resentment and hate comes over me at people who have Fathers. I can't control it. I envy them yet at the same time wish to never be like them.

The feelings I feel are incredibly complex. I could never explain them completely in words and there is simply not enough room in this blog to even discuss it all.
So I will leave you with what I have said.

All you kids with Good Dads, look at them in the eyes an tell them you love them, an all my bastards out there, put your elbows up, keep ya shit tight, an let everyone know where your from, who you are an how you are strong for being able to live your whole life with the burden of knowing you are leftovers.... A Bastard.